Warning Labels Required

This label should be required by law:

For those who can’t read the above label:

WARNING: This is a work of fiction. Do NOT take it literally.

CONTENT ADVISORY: Contains verses descriptive or advocating suicide, incest, bestiality, sadomasochism, sexual activity in violent context, murder, morbid violence, use of drugs and alcohol, homosexuality, voyeurism, revenge, undermining of authority figures, lawlessness, and human rights violations and atrocities.

EXPOSURE WARNING: Exposure to contents for extended periods of time or during formative years in children may cause delusions, hallucinations, decreased cognitive and objective reasoning abilities, and, in extreme cases, pathological disorders, hatred, bigotry, and violence, including, but not limited to fanaticism, murder, and genocide.

Dear Lord, please save me from your followers…

Until next time...
Erik

Mark your confessions

If you “do” social networking sites (mySpace, etc.), I’m sure you get bombarded with those “surveys” people post. Here’s some I pulled from my mySpace page before I erased them there. I’m not sure why I’ve taken the time to bring them over to my site, other than they do contain information about me that you could possibly find interesting… if you were a stalker?

I Talk A LOT when…
I’m drunk?

I am really ticklish…
To much so!

I’m afraid of the dark…
Nope—thanks to my trusty night-vision goggles.

I can’t sleep in a room if the door is open…
Kind of.

I can’t sleep in a room if the door is closed…
Kind of.

I am homosexual…
I sure as hell ain’t straight!

I’ve ran away from home…
Yup.

I listen to political music…
Not on purpose.

I collect comic books…
Not any more, but I still have the ones from when I did.

I shut others out when I’m sad…
Sometimes.

I’ve stayed out all night…
Many times.

I open up to others easily…
Just my legs!

I am keeping a secret from the world…
Aren’t we all?

I watch the news…
Nope!

I love Disney movies…
Some of them—Little Mermaid rocks!

I am a sucker for green eyes…
Sometimes.

I am a sucker for brown eyes…
Not really.

I am a sucker for blue eyes…
DEFINITELY!!! I LOVE blue eyes…

I don’t kill bugs…
Die!!!

I have “x”s in my screen name…
Nope.

I’ve slipped and fell in public…
Yup.

I’ve slipped out a “LOL” in a real conversation…
WTF? People do this?

I love Spam…
Hate both the meat-substitute and the email.

I bake well…
Nope, but I get baked well :)

I have worn pajamas to class…
Yup.

I want a better job…
I have one.

Talked on a phone for 6+ hours…
Hell no!

I love Dr. Phil…
Nope. But I do love Dr. Phil MyCrackIn!

I like multiple people…
Duh!

I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS…
Nope.

I am self-conscious…
Most of the time—that’s why I get dressed to go to work!

I love to laugh…
I just do.

I have tried alcohol…
Duh! I work for Wal-Mart!!!

I drink alcohol on a regular basis…
Definitely! (see last answer!)

I have tried a cigarette…
Once. How do people do that? There’s other things you can put in your mouth to make yourself (and others) feel better!

I have smoked a pack in one day…
Nope.

I loved Lord of the Flies
The book was pretty good. I remember reading it in my youth.

I have cough drops when I’m not sick…
Nope.

I can’t swallow pills…
Huh? Just not the jagged, little pills.

I have a lot of scars…
Both physical and mental! And I give them as well!

I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room…
Umm? I live in the freakin’ country!

I like chocolate…
Nope. Chocolate is a nasty, vile substance!

I bite my nails…
Yes, but not out of nervousness. It’s because I can never find the nail clippers! I bite my toenails too! (You know you’re jealous!)

I am not comfortable with being me…
I am comfortable with being me! I just don’t think anyone else is comfortable being me.

I play computer games when I’m bored…
Nope. What kind of nerd do you take me for? I watch porn!

Gotten lost in the city…
Hell, I get lost in the parking lot at work!

Seen a shooting star…
Many. And moons too!

Gone out in public in my pajamas…
Kind of. Boxer parties rock!

Hugged a stranger…
Yup, and just more than hugged some as well!

Been in a fist fight…
Nope.

Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of my nose…
Yup.

Pushed all the buttons on an elevator…
I’d never do that ;)

Made out in an elevator…
Not that I recall, but I was drunk.

Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose…
Duh!

Been skydiving…
Nope!

Been bungee jumping…
Hell no!

Gotten stitches…
Many times.

Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour…
Ew! Milk is nasty!

Bitten someone…
Yes!!!

Been to Niagara Falls…
Nope.

Gotten the chicken pox…
Once. And then Chuck Norris came and killed the chickens and their damned pox!

Crashed into a car…
Many times.

Been to Germany…
Nope.

Ridden in a taxi…
Yup.

Shoplifted…
When I was a kid.

Been fired…
Not yet..

Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back…
Yes.

Had someone have feeling for you and you didn’t have them back…
Probably.

Stole something from your job…
No.

Gone on a blind date…
Yup.

Had a crush on a teacher/coach…
DEFINITELY!

Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans…
Just Southern Decadence—the gay Mardi Gras!

Been to Europe…
Nope. Well, does EPCOT count?

Slept with a co-worker, and/or employee…
Yup! But I’m not telling.

Been married…
Nope.

Gotten divorced…
Nope.

Saw someone/something dying…
Sadly, yes.

Have a list of people you want to kill…
Sometimes.

Ridden in a car over 400 miles in one day…
Many, many times.

Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show…
Many times—”It’s just a jump to the left.”

Eaten sushi…
Ew, fish!

Cried in public…
Yes.

Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed…
That’s pretty much what driving in Arkansas is like!

Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn’t have…
Definitely.

Thought of someone a lot lately…
Yes.

Hate the world…
Not the world—just some of it’s inhabitants.

Until next time...
Erik

Another survey about me

If you “do” social networking sites (mySpace, etc.), I’m sure you get bombarded with those “surveys” people post. Here’s some I pulled from my mySpace page before I erased them there. I’m not sure why I’ve taken the time to bring them over to my site, other than they do contain information about me that you could possibly find interesting… if you were a stalker?

Can you cook?
Only hotdogs.

What was your dream growing up?
To be an astronaut, then a fireman. Now I just want to be with an astronaut and a fireman.

What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I had working gay-dar!

Favorite place?
South Park, Colorado.

Favorite vegetable?
Christopher Reeves. Just kidding! Or am I?

What was the last book you read?
Cartoon History of the Universe, Volume III, by Larry Gonick.

What zodiac sign are you?
Gemini. Where’s my twin for random twin sex?

Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
Tattoos. What’s a tattoo? No piercing at the moment.

Worst Habit?
Driving down the road and picking my nose and wiping the boogers on my pants leg? Sounds gross. Who does that?

If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
Yes. I’d want to ride you.

What is your favorite sport?
Endurance Sex.

Negative or Optimistic attitude?
Both.

What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
Endurance Sex!

Worst thing to ever happen to you?
Endurance Sex with no lube! heh heh.

Tell me one weird fact about you:
I’m human. Pretty weird, huh?

Do you have any pets?
My partner counts, right? Yes.

Do you know how to do the macarana?
If I watched the video I could do it.

Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
F’IN SCARY!!!!!!!

If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be???
Probably move my tattoos from the right side of my body to the left. Or have baby blue eyes again.

Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
Both :)

What color eyes do you have?
At the moment, hazel. Sometimes blue…

Ever been arrested?
Nope.

Bottle or Draft?
Around here, the bottle.

If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?
After half was taken in taxes, I’d probably pay off the credit cards I still have and get rid of them.

What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?
Not a big gum chewer. But I like that Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit stuff for the flavor.

What’s your favorite bar to hang at?
You’ve not been to Arkansas, have you…

Do you believe in ghosts or angels?
I think there are things out there we can’t see yet, and don’t understand, so I guess that would be a yes.

Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Critique porn.

Do you swear a lot?
Usually on the inside. I internalize my swearing.

Biggest pet peeve?
Running out of lube and having dry mouth at the same time.

In one word, how would you describe yourself?
“Erik”

Until next time...
Erik

A Survey About Me

If you “do” social networking sites (mySpace, etc.), I’m sure you get bombarded with those “surveys” people post. Here’s some I pulled from my mySpace page before I erased them there. I’m not sure why I’ve taken the time to bring them over to my site, other than they do contain information about me that you could possibly find interesting… if you were a stalker?

Name:
Erik… spellchecks to “evil”

Birthday:
The day I was hatched

Birthplace:
Sol III

Current Location:
Pea Ridge, Arkansas

Eye Color:
Green-ish Brown-ish Blue or Blue-ish Brown-ish Green?

Hair Color:
Brown-ish Gray-ish Black…

Height:
5’10″

Right Handed or Left Handed:
Both

What is your favorite TV show?
I haven’t been watching much TV as of late. I have been watching “South Park” and “Family Guy” on DVD while sitting in front of my computer.

What is your middle name?
Many would say “Satan”, but the birth certificate says “David”…

What is your favorite cuisine?
Pizza and hot dogs. What can I say—I have simple tastes!

What foods do you dislike?
Goulash, meatloaf, and anything that smells like bell peppers.

What is your favorite Potato chip?
Lays Original Bar-B-Que…

What is your favorite CD at the moment?
Who listens to CDs anymore?

What kind of car do you drive?
A 2005 Ford F-150 FX4 SuperCrew.

Boxers or briefs?
Boxer-briefs, or a jock!

What characteristics do you despise?
In what—fabrics, lighting, people? I’m assuming “people” here, so that would have to be: narrow/close-mindedness; overly preachy without reciprocation; people who can’t and/or don’t lighten up on occasion.

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
In the world, or on it? Dang. Um, I dunno… not really any place I’m hell-bent on visiting these days. Maybe Australia?

Favorite brand of clothing?
Anything that doesn’t make me feel fat! I guess Levi’s.

Where would you want to retire to?
I’m already there mostly? I guess if I had to move, San Francisco since the temperature stays pretty much the same all year-round. But would probably just rather travel around seeing what I could from the road.

Favorite time of day?
Alcohol Time! Does that make me a lush?

Where were you born?
I actually don’t know. The second birth certificate just says “Orlando”. The first was blank!

Favorite sport to watch?
Hmm, sports… um, I’m assuming we’re talking about things that qualify to be in the Olympics, right? Or at least something Fox televises? Nothing really…

Coke or Pepsi?
Pepsi One

Are you a morning person or night owl?
Neither. I’m more the “nooner” type!

What size shoe do you wear?
Typically, 11.

What did you want to be when you were little?
A stripper. Just kidding! An astronaut.

Favorite Candy Bar?
A refrigerated Snickers.

What is your best childhood memory?
Don’t really remember anything. Heck, I can’t even remember where I park everyday!

What are the different jobs you have had in your life?
Working at my dad’s nursery during the summers (in FL); being a counselor at Boy Scout camp (in NC) during the summers; being a waiter (Shoney’s); a cashier (Wal-Mart); a CSM (Wal-Mart); working in the cash office (Wal-Mart); working at the Wal-Mart Home Office; owning a business with my partner and all the different “jobs” that alone entails; apprenticing as a tattoo artist… and now being a tattoo artist!

What color underwear are you wearing?
A blue jockstrap… heh heh

Nicknames:
Never had one… have been called a lot of different things though! Although there was this year in junior high I answered to “nerd”… (love you Kris!)

Ever been toilet papered?
Personally, no. But I’ve used it a lot.

Been in a car accident?
Too many to recall.

Favorite day of the week?
Any day I can drink alcohol!

Favorite restaurant?
Not really a big restaurant kind-of-guy, but I prefer “Famous Dave’s” for BBQ these days.

Favorite flower?
Pansy. [Just kidding! I can hear you laughing!] Not a big flower person, guess I didn’t get that gene either.

Favorite ice cream?
Just plain ol’ Vanilla. If I’m feeling really naughty—Blue Bell’s Bunny Tracks!

Favorite fast food restaurant?
Sonic!

How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
There was a test??? ;)

Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Too late… Lowe’s!

What do you do most often when you are bored?
I can’t really answer that here! Sometimes I shave off most or all of my facial hair.

Ford or Chevy?
Hmm… I guess Ford…

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
That’s a personal question, isn’t it?? What’s with all this come talk!?

Your Heritage:
Is “heritage” a southern thing? I’m Human—that should be enough.

The Shoes You Wore Today:
Chuck Taylor Converse, Bright Orange… (sorry about that, Richard)

Your Weakness:
I dunno… depends on the moment.

Your Fears:
A paper-cut on my tongue… stupid, I know.

Your Perfect Pizza:
Pepperoni and Onion

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:
Quit Wal-Mart and tattoo full-time.

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
Um, “heh heh”?

Thoughts First Waking Up:
“Not again…”

Your Best Physical Feature:
The pinky finger on my right hand?

Your Bedtime:
When I’m tired…

Your Most Missed Memory:
I forgot…

Single or Group Dates:
Um… if everyone is nekkid, then group!

Do you Smoke:
Nada.

Do you Swear:
Yada.

Do you Sing:
To the horror of others.

Do you Shower Daily:
Hell yes! Sometimes twice!

Do you want to go to College:
Done that, been there… not really wanting to do it again.

Do you want to get Married:
Already am in my heart… not legally though.

Do you belive in yourself:
Most of the time.

Do you think you are Attractive:
I have my moments, but they are few and far in between.

Are you a Health Freak:
I’m just a freak, there’s no “Health” about it…

Do you get along with your Parents:
Define “get along”…

Do you play an Instrument:
Heh heh… um, define “Instrument”.

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:
Have I stopped?

Ever been Drunk:
More like “Ever been Sober”?

Ever been called a Tease:
Yes… daily.

Ever been Beaten up:
Up, nope. Off, yes!

How do you want to Die:
I don’t.

Number of Drugs I have taken:
With or without a prescription?

Number of Piercings:
Formerly four… now zero.

Number of Tattoos:
Technically, three.

Number of things in my Past I Regret:
A few that I can remember… ask me.

Favourite Eye Color… in another man:
Bright Blue and Slate.

Favourite Hair Color… in another man:
Black and/or Gray

Short or Long Hair… in another man:
Shaved head, or at least cut close.

Height… in another man:
Typically a few inches taller than myself.

Weight… in another man:
Typically a few pounds heavier than myself.

Best Clothing Style… in another man:
Nekkid!

Until next time...
Erik