In lieu of a naked picture of me dressed only in a holiday ribbon, I figure instead this meme shall be my present to you. I'm thoughtful like that.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
I'd prefer to wrap a gift, but I do a little of both.

2. Real tree or artificial tree?
Artificial. It seems a little more green than cutting down some poor evergreen that's just trying to mind it's own business to grow out in the woods.

3. Angel on the tree top or a star?
This year, neither. We actually have two peacock ornaments on top of the tree.

4. Favorite ornament, theme or color?
If I could, a black tree with black ornaments and black lights.

5. When do you put up the tree?
The Husbear does that. Usually Thanksgiving day. Usually.

6. When do you take the tree down?
As soon as possible.

7. Favorite gift received as a child?
Beats the hell out of me. I don't remember. I've killed those brain cells.

8. Hardest person to buy for?
The Husbear.

9. Easiest person to buy for?
Myself?

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
I normally mail cards. This year I did not. I just haven't been feeling the spirit moving in me. And I feel bad about that now.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
I don't remember. I'm sure there were some horrible ones. Oh yeah. I remember one year my parent's sent me a Bible. I think that qualifies.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
I don't have one.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Usually a few days before. Because we always do the "let's not buy each other anything". Which never happens.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Duh.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Turkey.

16. Favorite Christmas song?
Christmas at Ground Zero.

17. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Stay home.

18. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Sadly, yes.

19. Can you name all of the 7 Dwarves?
Yes. But what the hell does that have to do with Christmas? Unless maybe they're working odd jobs with Santa as stand-in elves.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Morning.

21. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
This ENTIRE time of the year.

22. Do you hang mistletoe?
No. Mistletoe is a weed that must be destroyed.

23. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I don't know that I ever believed in Santa. I was a cynical child.

24. What's the most important thing about the holidays for you?
That they'll be over on December 26.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
To be less cynical.

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Stolen from Mind of Mine.

And I had an actual moment to kill as I'm waiting for a buyer to come look at my 1969 CJ5 before I run off to the studio for the day. I don't really want to sell my Jeep. But it's been in a non-running state for about 2 years now and just taking up space in the yard. And I haven't had any real free time to work on it. It needs a better owner than I can be at the moment.

Anyway...

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1. How old were you when you knew you were gay?
At a very young age I knew something about me was different than those around me. I just didn't know what. Until I was older. And taught it was evil and wrong.

2. Have you ever had sex with the opposite sex?
Nope.

3. Who was the first person you came out to?
Myself.

4. Are you out to your family?
Immediate family, yes. Although I'm sure everyone else in the extended familia knows by now.

5. Do you want children?
I didn't. But I inherited three of them when I met the Husbear. And it was great.

6. Do you have more gay friends or straight friends?
I'd say more straight friends locally. Most of my gay friends live online, a long way from me.

7. Were you out in school?
No.

8. Is your best friend the same sex as you?
Yes.

9. If your best friend is the same sex, have you ever had sex with them?
Yes, but he's my Husbear.

10. Have you ever done crystal meth?
No. I've seen too many people here in Arkansas/Missouri that are poster children for meth use. Just take a look at the mugshots from the county I live in.

11. Have you ever been in a sling?
No.

12. Have you ever done a 3-way?
Yes. Several times.

13. Have you ever dressed in drag?
Female drag, no. Cowboy drag, yes.

14. Would you date a drag queen?
Not intentionally.

15. Are you 'fixed in your ways' as it were?
I appear to be, and it appears to be getting worse the older I get.

Original 15. Are you a top/bottom or truly versatile?
Bottom. The couple times I've attempted to top, I didn't like it, and it didn't go well.

16. Cher or Bette?
Who?

17. Have you dated someone of a different ethnicity?
No. But aren't we all mutts really?

18. Been to Fire Island? Saugatuck? Key West? Ft. Lauderdale? Palm Springs?
No to the power of five. (Actually, I went to Key West when I was a child, but I don't think that counts.)

Original 18. Have you ever barebacked?
Yes.

19. How many Madonna CDs do you own?
Zero. Unless you count the ones the Husbear has.

20. Name of your first love?
I don't really remember.

21. Do you still talk to them?
No.

22. Does size matter?
Yes. Have you ever seen a 4" dildo?

23. Biggest turn on?
Eyes. Facial hair. And a nice suit.

24. Biggest turn off?
Being a loud-mouthed douchebag.

25. Ever been harassed due to your orientation?
No. At least not directly. Weird considering where I live, isn't it?

26. Worst gay stereotype that applies to you?
I suck dick?

27. Ever been to a pride rally?
Yes.

28. Would you marry if you could?
Yes.

29. Would you rather be rich and smart or young and beautiful?
While I wouldn't mind youth and beauty, I can buy beauty if I'm rich. And smart always helps.

30. Do you sculpt your eyebrows?
No.

31. Do you trim your body hair?
No! It took me this long to just grow any of it.

32. Ever had sex with more than one person in a day?
Yes. Unless you mean at separate locations.

33. Ever been to an orgy?
Define "orgy". Does a 4-way count? (Yes) Or are we talking Caligula here? (No)

34. Which character in "The Women" best reflects you?
I don't even know what "The Women" is.

35. Favorite gay expression?
I don't know that I have one.

36. How may 'exes' do you have?
None. Weird, I know.

37. Do you believe in fairies?
Aside from the gays, no.

38. Do you have any tattoos?
Yes... it's what I do, remember?

39. Do you have any piercings?
Yes.

40. Would you date a smoker?
Not really.

41. If you are male, do you know many lesbians?
Not many.

42. Do you know anyone who has died from HIV?
First-person, no. But I do know several people who are living with HIV.

43. Are you part of a gay organization?
No.

44. Is your gym cruisy?
Not that I know of. But then again, I've been in a gay bar and not known it.

45. Grinder or Scruff?
While I have an iPhone, not really either. "Hooking up" intimidates me. I'm weird, I know.

46. Are your best years behind or in front of you?
I hope in front.

47. Got Porn?
Who doesn't? Just because I have a 1TB drive full of it doesn't mean it's a habit, right? I'm a "collector".

48. Make out music?
I make my own music. In my head. You should hear it. Shuffle is a wondrous and scary thing. Actually, you should be glad you can't hear it.

49. Ever been in love with a straight guy?
Not so much love as deeply, deeply, deeply crushing.

50. Did you ever have sex with him?
No. Not for lack of trying on my part.

51. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
No. I'm personally scared to be naked. Especially in public. Remember that kid in gym who used to change clothes in the bathroom stall? That's me.

52. Have you ever been to a bath house?
No. I'm a lot timid and shy.

53. Ever had sex in public?
Define "public". I had sex outside once on someone else's property. Does that count?

54. What gay gene did you miss out?
Way too many: fashion, cruising, grooming, gaydar, dancing, music.... The list goes on.

Ask me a question about EACH (or any) of the following and I will post an answer:

1. Friends
2. Sex
3. Music
4. Religion
5. Love
6. Blogging

I think there's way too much insight about me revealed in this. And it took a whole lot of thought. Something that's rare with me.

4 Things I need to spend more time on in my life:
1. My relationship with my Husbear;
2. My friendships, the few of which I have;
3. My craft—more time drawing and learning new techniques;
4. Building my self-confidence.

4 Things I need to spend less time on in my life:
1. Self-doubt;
2. Self-loathing;
3. Staring at a computer screen;
4. Worrying.

4 Things I wish I could spend more time on in my life:
1. Relaxing, mentally;
2. Creating;
3. Laughing;
4. Just living.

4 Things I love about myself:
(How messed up is it that I can't think of one thing?)
1.
2.
3.
4.

4 Things I hate about myself:
1. My lack of a sex drive;
2. My inability to accept, believe and own a compliment from another;
3. My voice;
4. The way my john thomas curves.

4 Things I love that I used to hate:
1. Chuck Ts;
2. Beer;
3. Landscaping;
4. Guys with tattoos....

4 Things I hate that I used to love:
1. Organized religion;
2. Heavy/thrash metal music;
3. Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.;
4. A few specific people.

4 Things I look forward to:
1. Road trips;
2. Finishing my right sleeve and left leg;
3. The next Doctor Who episode;
4. Spending my remaining years with the Husbear.

4 Things I dread:
1. Public speaking;
2. Being in a crowd;
3. Being naked;
4. Knowing one day I will see the lifeless body of my Husbear.

4 Things I once believed in but no longer do:
1. An omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient being, call it what you will;
2. People/Humanity, in general;
3. My parents were infallible;
4. Politicians are altruistic.

4 Things I believe in that I didn't use to:
1. Corporal punishment;
2. "An eye for an eye";
3. Karma;
4. "A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."

4 Things I love to do but I'm bad at:
1. Be sociable;
2. Let my inner-child come out;
3. To be whimsical;
4. Let the music take control.

4 Things I hate to do but I'm good at:
1. Accounting;
2. Waste time in front of a computer;
3. Act "grown-up";
4. Being a dick.

4 Things I did that I am ashamed of:
1. Vandalized a building when I was a teenager...
2. ... and let others take the fall for it;
3. Freaked out and made a scene when someone came out to me, back in college when I was still trying to figure out what I was myself;
4. That one specific tattoo I did back in the early days.

4 Things I did that I'm proud of:
1. Started—and still run—two successful businesses;
2. Became an Eagle Scout;
3. Became entirely self-employed;
4. Remodeling this old house in which we live.

4 Things I didn't do that I regret:
1. Take piano lessons seriously as a child;
2. Make more of an effort to maintain a friendship;
3. Take pictures during that one Thanksgiving dinner that ended up being the last holiday when the Husbear's dad was alive;
4. Say "Thank you".

4 Things I want before I die:
1. To travel somewhere outside the continental U.S.;
2. To learn to play the banjo;
3. To be comfortable enough in my skin that I can take take a naked picture of myself and feel good about it;
4. And maybe be in a porn.

I noticed most everyone did these 5 within one week. I didn't. So I hope that wasn't a requirement.

Five questions to be answered to give greater insight into the writer’s psyche. Five aspects that people might not know about me. Here are the topics:

Dumbest Thing
Toughest Choice
Happiest Moment
Crush / Lust
Secret Loves

Today's entry is "Toughest Choice".

I really don't know what the toughest choice I've had to make has been so far. I've made a lot of decisions that were difficult, but I really don't know which was the toughest:

• Quitting my full-time job to become self-employed was a tough choice;
• Breaking off communication with my father was a tough choice;
• Staying at Harding University to finish my degree was a tough choice (one that I'm working on a post about... still.);
• Taking that step to actually "confirm" my being gay was a tough choice;
• And sometimes, just deciding to get out of bed is a tough choice;

They were all the toughest choice at those particular moments in time. But that's life.