First, happy whatever-it-is-you-call-this-holiday-time to you and those around you.
The Husbear and I (Xmas 2001)
I originally started the below post on September 13 of this year but never published it.
Until now.
My parent’s wedding anniversary was on September 7 and my brother’s wedding anniversary was on September 9.
I didn’t send a card or call either couple this year to acknowledge their “special” day.
I have been a little pissy the last few days. My apologies.
The Husbear and I have been together for over 11 years. Not once has anyone in my family acknowledged our being together as “a couple”, let alone our “anniversary”. One will occasionally inquire as to how the Husbear “is doing”, but it’s far from the norm.
Sure—we haven’t had a formal “tying the knot” ceremony. But one would think after any couple has been together for a decade, certain family members would at least acknowledge it.
Okay. I’m done. For now.
Or not.
There’s also a lack of coming to visit me (or us). I’ve lived in Arkansas since 1991. I’ve been visited by family members 3 times in the last 17 years that I’ve lived here—the last time being in 2003 for Xmas when my parents brought me a Bible with “don’t be gay or you’re going to hell” verses written on cards! Granted this is probably not a bad thing. No one really likes family hanging around, right?
What bothers me is I’m always asked “When are you coming down to visit?”. Why does it have to be me that makes the effort?
I’m dragging this draft out now because of this damned holiday (yes, I’m an Xmas hater…) and “happenings” similar to those mentioned above.
The Husbear and I received no holiday cards addressed to “us” from any of my immediate family members. No mention of him in any of them. Zip. Zero. Nada.
I know it hurts the Husbear when they exclude and ignore him. I can see it. And it has now started to anger me to the point that I do not want to have anything to do with my family!
I was purposely evil this holiday season and sent a card to my parent’s that had a HUGE “From the both of US” written on both the outside and inside of the card. (Trust me, it was hard to find one that fit my particular vein of evilness!) I’m betting the card did not go on public display for the rest of the family to see.
By the way, only one family member sent “us” a card—and he is a cousin who I really haven’t had much interaction with since we were little kids!
I know the “adult” thing would be for me to tell them my feelings and “how things are”. But thanks to their beliefs and organized religion I know where they stand—and they have said as much already.
Or do I just cut ties and wait for them to make the “first step” to mending the extremely eroded relationship?
The Husbear says I have to have contact with my family, and I know that.
I’m really not sure where to go from here….
Until next time...
I want to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and husbear. I know it isn’t easy but think of the blog family that is here supporting and loving you. I hope you get everything on your list this year and someone from the East Coast is thinking about you during the holiday 😉
My mother spent years trying to get her emotionally distant and morally bankrupt parents and associated family to show some effort to fix their relationship. (For reference, my mother never “did anything” to deserve de facto estrangement.) After suffering for so much time trying to figure out what she could do to make things better, she eventually realized that all she could do was give up for her own sake and let what will be be.
If I had to make a suggestion… I’d recommend you ignore your family. Honestly, if they love you so little, they’re not really your family and they don’t deserve any efforts from you in their life. Now, if they actually love you quite a lot but are just being colossal buttholes about your life… that’s a bit of a different story. I’d still recommend you leave it up to them, because you’re only gonna hurt yourself if you invest too much energy in fixing them.
Merry X’mas to you both. 🙂
First: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your husbear.
Second: Just go about your business and live your life, but leave the door open for you and your family to reconcile. If they want to walk through the door and be a part of your lives, so be it. If not, well too bad, so sad. Their loss.
Man, I’m sorry that your family causes you so much anger and sadness. Especially at Xmas. But you know something? Just because you are related to people doesn’t mean you have to have contact with them.
I think you already DO have contact with a family… Your husbear. And that’s plenty good enough!
Obviously you and your husbear are more of a family than you’ll ever have with the people with whom you share DNA. I know it’s hard to hear, but fuck ’em. They’re family in name only, and while it may hurt a little to realize and accept that, revel in the fact that you are LOVED, not only by Robert, but also by the multitude of friends and acquaintances you have drawn into your life. THAT is the family you hold dear. Ignore the rest.
And I’ll just jump the gun and wish you BOTH a happy and prosperous New Year.
You’re in my thoughts…
xo
All I can add has already been said: accept them and keep your comfortable distance (“comfortable” could mean never calling again, up to you).
Your acceptance of their behaviour (but not in agreement with) makes you a bigger dude. The distance part is necessary to let them know that if they don’t accept you, you don’t really need them, cheers, thanks a lot, call if you wake up.
Now. Do as everyone says and build up a family around you now that is accepting and loving bla bla bla.
Happy hols! Can’t wait for Disney!
First happy feast of light.
Second: I know God doesn’t make mistakes, and if you’re gay it’s because that’s what he wanted…
…the challenge is to get everyone else to see that. This is their test, not yours.
Despite everything
I hope you two have a good holiday with yourselves – and 2009 be something marvelous for all of us.
Hey sweet you got OpenID setup. Anyways, I don’t have a lot of contact with my family either. I never understood being required to interact with people just because you were biologically related to them. I do interact with the few people I find interesting and it goes well. Other then that my family and I have more or less gone separate ways. Personally I feel keeping in contact with whomever you consider your loved ones and close friends is what “family” really is. I think the concept of a family as it once was defined will die in a few generations… you are just ahead of the curve.
Have a merry christmas my friend… and make it a merry one with your chosen family!
To Erik and Robert,
Regardless of the season, or the day, or the time, or the holiday, etc., Good people are hard to come by. We think alot of you guys. We are not much into ‘holiday’ seasons ourselves.
Family does not have to be DNA related. “Family”, in our arrogant opinions, tend to be the people we have chosen to surrond ourselves with, that we love, that make us happy. Regardless of what the “racist imperialistic dogs” or (others) think. 😉
BTW, your holiday pics look pretty kewl. That’s family.
(this coming from a purely ‘black and white’ man and his wife…lol)
Yule-tide greetings to you and Robert.
I wish I had answers. It all comes down to what you choose and how you want to deal with the conditional love they have – or not. My own stance was spiritual warrior – I never apologized for who I was and I never backed down, which also means that there were years when I didn’t hear from family. I figured it they wanted to play the conditional game then I’d finished it.
My family has aged and mellowed a bit. They’re not strung-out in their religion, and I think they’ve reached a point where they look forward to coming out here and visiting. I made a deal with them – I’d visit as often as they would. They’ve been in Texas for 10 years now. I’ve been there three times. I flew my folks out twice, and they’ve driven out once. Now it’s a game of who travels next – them or me.
I like the other folks’ comments here, too. Family starts with your and your husbear. The people we choose into our lives are often closer than the people of our bloodlines. I figure if relatives are REALLY vile and simply bad news – put an ad up on Freecycle and be done with them.
Big hugs.
i wish both of you a wonderful holiday season and new years.
🙂
keep your chin up stud.
What great sentiments from James and Leslie. I would find it very hard myself if family members ignored/couldn’t acknowledge an 11-year relationship I had with the love of my life. ((((((Erik)))))
I’m coming at this late so I’ll keep it brief: fuck ’em. You’ve tried all that you can and if you keep on trying you’re going to end up cold and bitter and full of despair. Save your love for the people who love you back.
Hey buddy! I have been following your blog for a while now (mostly because I like what I read, but somewhat because I think you and your husbear are mighty WOOFY!). I digress. Sorry to hear about the fam side of things. I can completely empathize with you. While my mom is not, most of my aunts and uncles are all pentecostal (i.e. they burn fags at the stake), so I don’t get to spread my gayness around them. My mom and immediate family are great and I love them dearly. They adore my partner, too.
That being said, you deserve some respect. It just burns my ass to see bigotry in our country in the year 2008! Here is hoping 2009 is a better, less bigoted, year!
Happy New Year, Stud!
M and P.
Fuck em, you’ve tried your best. The bf has had no contact with his parents for 10 years and it’s been the best thing he could have ever done. You don’t need that kind of bitter and negative energy in your lives.
not sure what to say here. i’ve erased the last 3 things i started to write. yes all my sentences will be fragmented.
my “family” and i have a long/bad history which i won’t go into now but suffice to say that i love my sister and the rest can burn as far as i’m concerned. i see them when i have to to keep sis happy but other than that nada. they made their choices and i made mine. i agree with the peeps above who say just because you’re “related” doesn’t mean you have to communicate but you also have to realize that the problem is them. not you. and this is much easier said than done. at some point it isn’t ok for them to ignore your spouse. your life. your relationship. and yes it’s hard and awful and painful but you have to tell them.
then sit back and enjoy your life. don’t let them bring you down. husbear is your spouse and it isn’t right for them to ignore him. if i was he i’d fucking make it known but anyone will tell you i have rage issues. LOL!
have to say i’ve been lucky w the bf’s family. not only are they awesome but also totally recognize our relationship. except for his wacko christian sister. but they’ve come around and actually taken out side!
none of this helps i know. but wanted to let you know you aren’t alone in the fight.
rage on!
Erik
I have to say that Sammy and I are blessed in the fact that both of our families are open and accepting. It is frustrating though in the fact that our anniversary is never recognized, never commented on, or even asked when it is.
I have to agree with my “sister” (your husbear) in the fact that you need to keep contact with your family. You don’t have to be cordial, you don’t have to be chatty, but if the lines of communication fail, they will nail you for it because of your “deviant” ways. You never know, someone may even have a deathbed change of heart…..
but I do admire the way that you hold the bitter and angst in. I would be pissed to the point of burning houses.
On the flip side, you have a much better family with all of us. We love all the AR boys as our adopted family and talk with you all more than we do our own families.
Erik,
It used to bother me a lot. I was with my former partner for 18 years. After a hiatus of 10 years, I’m with my second partner now who is the light of my life. We did do a formal Blanket-Wrap ceremony last August. It did rankle me that there were never any pictures of me and partner 1 in any household outside our own. That’s changing a little; my Dad did a whole book of photos for our blanket-wrap! Yay for small things. I think they like this one, though 🙂 My first mother-in-law (also Church of Christ family) loved me (hell, so did the father-in-law), but she couldn’t reconcile this relationship. She kept trying to figure out ways it could work, even going so far as recommending that I marry partner 1s sister so that I could stay in the family. Yikes. ‘A’ for effort, but …
I used to receive “Christmas” letters from friends and family each year, many of which were very preachy. Two years ago I wrote my own Yule Letter and talked a LOT about my partner, our shamanic practice and the blanket wrapping. No more Christmas letters! That wasn’t my intention, only to share and share alike, but clearly family and ‘friends’ didn’t take it that way.
My present partner’s family has known he was gay since he was 17 and attempted suicide over a boyfriend. I came out to my college professor parents when I was about 19. Present Husband was with a man 31 years his senior – for 26 years – and nursed him during his dying when it was time for that. Recently, *he* received a letter from his former partner’s daughter (my husband’s own age and whom he has known very well indeed for 30 years) telling him that his life’style’ was not acceptable to God. My beautiful husband very gently and eloquently wrote back to her and said, “hon, this is how I’m wired. My relationship with your dad was *not* a father-son relationship. I’m happy, well-adjusted, do what I LOVE for a living, and have found the man of my dreams. Why would I even contemplate a change?” A year later she called him on his birthday to wish him well.
Family is funny. They love us in the only ways they know how to. My mom and dad, the college professors who have taught generations of gay music students, had the hardest time with me and my brother being gay. My partner #1s parents welcomed me into their home because family and their son came first. Inexplicable. Misguided. And they just don’t get it sometimes. I love mine anyway as best I can. Because they are mine and I know that they love me, somewhere in all of that craziness.