What If… The Meme

Lifted from Melodramatic Diary of a Cynic.

These took some serious thought. Something I rarely do. And you should really stop laughing when you read these. I can hear you.

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Wasn’t that the plot of a Twilight Zone episode? And just one person? Where’s the fun in that? Hmm… who would it be? I’d assume this would have to be a currently living person from the phrasing of the question. So I’d have to say the moron that invented “reality television”. Seriously. That person still better be alive so I can make them explode.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Wow. That’s a tough one. I believe most music is art. Most. Wiping some artist out of existence seems wrong. Especially when there’s so many religious leaders and politicians I’d rather see go *poof*. I guess I’d have to say Yoko Ono. I have no basis for her erasure other than the fact that she sounds like a Howler Monkey in heat. I just seems like the thing to do.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
I’m not a physically violent person by nature. I prefer my violence in other forms. I’m assuming we’re talking without retribution, right? In the last five years, there is only one person who brought unto me such feelings of ire that I’d like to punch her in the face: Rita Carney, the V.P. of “Compute Services” at Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. She’s a connivingly vicious puppet-master of idle-minded minions that seeks to destroy all who don’t think like and agree with her.

4. What is your favorite cheese?
Kaukauna Sharp Cheddar Cheese Balls. Or Kraft Sharp Cheddar Easy Cheese. I am a man with simple tastes. Although you could give me any block of Sharp Cheddar cheese and I’m good.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
What’s with only one kind? Is this my last sandwich ever? Am I being executed? I guess I’d have to say a BLT. I’m a sucker for a BLT sandwich.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Hmm… bow-chicka-bow-bow with a movie celebrity. No pressure. But I’m not sure. I guess this movie celebrity would have to be able to be found in the IMDB? For the longest time I would have said Jonathan Frakes, but he’s looking a little, er, “rough” these days. I’m not sure who now. I really don’t have anyone I’m all ga-ga for these days. Sad. I know. I have zero sexual imagination.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Will said music celebrity also be singing to me when we’re “sleeping”? I’ve always thought Dave Matthews, John McCrea (from CAKE), and Gary Jules were kinda hot. But I guess I’d currently have to pick Gary Jules.

8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
There’s a few people I’d like to pay to sleep with me. I wonder if a hundred bucks would appeal to them?

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
One way? A final destination kind of thing? I’d have to say Australia. All that genetic isolation. Prison colony descendants. But since I don’t have a passport, I guess it won’t be much of a trip.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Drink. They have big beer in Australia from what I hear. Bigger beer than anything even found in Texas! Now that’s big!

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?
By “angel” you mean alien, and by “Heaven” you mean outer space, right? Actually, I don’t care who or what is bringing me alcohol, as long as it’s being brought. I would have to say a vodka of some kind, but I’m not sure what particular one. I’m not particularly well-versed in different alcohols. I love Three Olives Root Beer Vodka, but I don’t know that I’d want to drink it for the rest of my life. Probably just Svedka Vodka. Non-flavored. That way I could mix it with whatever I wanted if I needed.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
Rufus rocked! I could have done without Bill & Ted though. Anytime in the past, eh? And what to do when I get then? See how the adjectives change when you start playing with time? I don’t know. I’ve not really pondered such things on a serious level. Time travel should not be toyed with lightly. Just look at all the trouble it has caused with the Star Trek universe.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
An island for my own society, eh? Don’t we already have one of those? I think it’s called Manhattan? I guess the first rule would have to be “Do no harm.” Simple, yet all encompassing. Also vague enough to work and be interpreted by lawyers for years to come.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?
I’d call it “Everybody Does Everybody”. Do I really even need to tell you the premise? Unfortunately, there’s probably only a few channels that could show such things….

15. What is your favorite curse word?
Curse word. A word of curse. Will it cause a resurgence of the bubonic plague? Believe it or not, I don’t actually curse much. Probably due to my upbringing. So I don’t know that I have a favorite curse word, damn it.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Mummies? Seriously? Who the hell came up with being surrounded by mummies? Although, I guess that’s like having a never-ending of both toilet paper and firewood all in one place! Hell. I’d probably just masturbate and use their wrappings as rags. You’re welcome for that visual.

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item?
Since I’m running in to grab something, I’m assuming I have on my person the things I always have on me, i.e., my cellphone, my “wedding” ring, my wallet, and some clothes. I don’t know that I have anything I couldn’t live without, and I’m not really sentimental about much. But I would probably grab the Husbear’s computer. It’s got all the porn and music stored on it.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
I’d spend the 30 minutes with the Husbear. Holding him. Comforting him.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?
I eat radioactive vegetables all the time. We all do. You must mean some extremely high levels of radiation if they endow me with a super-power. But what super-power would I want? I guess there’s the obvious “super-power to have whatever super-power I need at the moment” super power. But there’s probably some legality that says I can’t do that. I wonder if having a super “package” would be an acceptable super power?

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
I have no idea. There’s a lot of time spans I don’t remember. But I can’t really think of any time I’d want to experience again. I know, I’m lame.

21.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
I think the human mind already does that automatically, does it not? Or are we talking about actually not having the experience? I would have to say I’d erase the entirety of my time in college. Hated it. It did make me what I am now though. But I still hated it.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin’! What country are you going to live in now?
Somewhere warm. I’m going with somewhere in Australia at this point. Seems to be a lot of hot men there as well. And a bunch of funky animals. And beer.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
Every single bad in the world? Damn. And here I’ve only been thrown out of one bar up to this point in my life. In New Orleans. Go figure. Would this one bar that I would be allowed in for eternity always have the same clientele? That’s important to know. I wouldn’t want it to migrate into a lesbian bar or a titty bar or something scary like that. I’d have to say it would need to be some sort of multi-bar, like the Parliament House in Orlando, that serves all sorts of clientele.

24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like “Dude, check it out… I can FLOAT!”?
Float??? What kind of a lame super-power is that? Dirigibles float. Really lame. Then everyone would start calling me LZ 129 Hindenburg. Extremely lame! I’d be ashamed to float anywhere.

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Would they be a zombie celebrity? Or would they look like they did when they were a living celebrity? That’s important to know. Don’t you people watch Steven King movies? Who the heck wants zombie Ernest Borgnine walking around. What? He’s not dead yet? My bad. I guess if I had the power, I’d have to say I’d resurrect Douglas Adams. I want more stories from him. And I bet after being dead he’d have some even weirder ones.

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
What’s with all the Celestial this-and-that? Did some Judeo-Christian create this thing? What about other cultures? And why would Death be hanging out at the Celestial Gates of Beyond? Shouldn’t he be out collecting celebrities who are overdosing? I know this is going to sound odd, but I don’t know that I’d want to have any friend or family member returned back to the living world. I’ve made my peace and moved on. I don’t know that I’d want to have to do that a second time. I know. I’m selfish.

27. What’s your theme song?
You know when Scooby and the gang were sleuthing around? That “du du du dununa” sound that played in the background. That would be the one. Not really a theme song, I know. But definitely the one I’d want.

Until next time...

13 thoughts on “What If… The Meme

  1. wow, i give you credit about the “made your peace and moving on” with the bringing someone back. i don’t know that i have ever made peace with my mom passing away; i miss her alot, even the older i get and the longer we are apart. we weren’t in each other’s faces a lot, but i enjoyed the hell out of her company when i got to be an adult.

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