So… I go to the hospital Monday morning to be put down. Wait… that’s not right. Put under. That’s what I was looking for. Put under. That’s it.
For a colonoscopy.
My first full-on colonoscopy. As in, “Hey doc, how you doing? Wait, don’t I at least get a first date or something before you hit a grand slam into my ileum? At least you’re using lube!”
So Sunday I begin the whole clear liquids only diet, to be followed later that evening with the potent pills that make you poo your proverbial brains out on the porcelain pot. And since it’s me, I’m probably going to live tweet the whole cleanse process. Because, y’all know me. And you know that sh*t’s going to be funny.
And since we all have to suffer you people who just have to post those alien-looking fetus up inside you ultrasound pictures that look like those back-when-we had-malls-with-kiosks-that-had-those-stare-at-and-a-3D-image-would-appear-if-you-were-lucky-and-didn’t-have-an-aneurysm-in-the-process pictures, I’ll probably post the images they take up inside me from my colon. Because, y’all know me. And then you can say you’ve been deep inside inside me, and it technically wouldn’t be a lie.
So, just like in Scouts: Be Prepared. Because if I have to spend 24 hours preparing my colon…. Y’all better be prepared too.
*On the medical history, I have recently discovered some of medical information, but only a partial record. And since things are a genetic crapshoot anymore anyway… better to be at least ahead of the curve, especially since I’m already behind. Ha!
Until next time...