So… I go to the hospital Monday morning to be put down. Wait… that’s not right. Put under. That’s what I was looking for. Put under. That’s it.
For a colonoscopy.

My first full-on colonoscopy. As in, “Hey doc, how you doing? Wait, don’t I at least get a first date or something before you hit a grand slam into my ileum? At least you’re using lube!”
Butt seriously , the new recommended age to get a colonoscopy is at Level 45. I’m Level 48. And I probably should have had my first at Level 40, as I’m the product of a sealed adoption with no medical history available to me*. Colorectal cancers are the fourth most leading type of cancer in the U.S. (Breast, prostate, and lungs–in that order–are the top three.) My oncologist decided it needed to be done for a couple of reasons, so he had my PCP order one. And that’s how we get to where we are now with this deep butt-probing post….
So Sunday I begin the whole clear liquids only diet, to be followed later that evening with the potent pills that make you poo your proverbial brains out on the porcelain pot. And since it’s me, I’m probably going to live tweet the whole cleanse process. Because, y’all know me. And you know that sh*t’s going to be funny.
And since we all have to suffer you people who just have to post those alien-looking fetus up inside you ultrasound pictures that look like those back-when-we had-malls-with-kiosks-that-had-those-stare-at-and-a-3D-image-would-appear-if-you-were-lucky-and-didn’t-have-an-aneurysm-in-the-process pictures, I’ll probably post the images they take up inside me from my colon. Because, y’all know me. And then you can say you’ve been deep inside inside me, and it technically wouldn’t be a lie.
So, just like in Scouts: Be Prepared. Because if I have to spend 24 hours preparing my colon…. Y’all better be prepared too.
*On the medical history, I have recently discovered some of medical information, but only a partial record. And since things are a genetic crapshoot anymore anyway… better to be at least ahead of the curve, especially since I’m already behind. Ha!

Until next time...

5 thoughts on “Probing

  1. I get these more often than Heinz has pickles. Never fun, but I acclimated to them a while ago out of necessity. (I’ve been getting them for 22 years, thanks to the magic of severe Crohn’s disease and mechanically inefficient intestines.) I hope yours goes well. Keep the sense of humor about it and share as much detail as possible with those unfamiliar with the process…you deserve their sympathy (as you have mine.)

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