I graduated! Now I just have to wait two weeks before I go to State Boards to take the test for my license… Guess I can’t put down the books yet. Although the Husbear does have a big list of stuff for me to do at the salon over the next two weeks… another sigh!
Until next time...
August 30, 2001
To my dear family and friends,
I have planned on sending you this letter for some time now. Actually, my plan was to send you this letter on my birthday earlier this year. My plan was to tell you that I would be giving you a gift for my birthday—the gift of honesty. For the last few years, there has been something that I have wanted to tell you, but I have been too scared to tell you. I finally chose to write it in this letter, which I will start today and give to you at some time in the future. I am sure that it will take at least a few months or maybe longer for me to gather all of my thoughts.
You may be asking yourself why I chose to write to you, instead of telling you in person. I would like to tell you personally, but I get too nervous. I also wanted to be able to express some of my feelings without being interrupted or having to be on the defensive. My intent is to talk with each and every one of you about your questions and concerns. It took me 28 years to get to this point, so I don’t expect you to immediately support me in this decision to tell you the following.
As you know, over the years I have been involved in many different activities. I have been active in religion, schooling, Scouting, family, work, social activities, and with friends. I have been deeply troubled for many years thinking that this would all change if anyone found out my deepest secret: As far back as elementary school (and as far back as I can remember), I have had a same-sex attraction towards men. I used to cry myself to sleep at night asking God to make it stop. I wanted to feel (and be) like my other friends. I wanted to be attracted to girls instead of boys. This situation didn’t improve despite my many hours of deep discussion with God and fighting with myself.
In striving to become a better person, I cannot live with this lie I have been presenting to you any longer. It is and has been unhealthy both for you and myself. I have wanted to leave this life numerous times because of this issue. I thank God that I never had the guts to do anything because that would just have made things worse for those I would have left behind. Over the years, it has hurt me terribly that I have not been able to share this part of my life with you. I finally realized something not too long ago: that I cannot hurt you by expressing to you in words that “I am gay.” If this hurts you, it will be your choice.
The pressure for me is building. I am 28 years old. The trips home are fewer, and I hardly ever stay long when I am there. I know that you are not trying to hurt me, because you had no idea. When the questions of dating and marriage are brought up, it is just too hard to deal with – to have to lie about what is really going on with my life. I found myself making the choice of either telling you how I feel, or distancing myself from you forever. However, I cannot avoid my family or my friends. You mean too much to me. I cannot, nor do I wish to, exclude you from my life. I am your son, brother, grandson, uncle, and friend. That will never change. This is not something that you can talk yourself out of. Trust me! I’ve tried for years. I did not choose this—I am this.
Think about it: Being gay is not a popular thing. Why would someone choose to be persecuted? Do you know the mental torment that I have gone through everyday because of what I believed in and was taught by my religion? I love what I have come to define as God with all my heart, and I have had many heart to heart conversations with Him about this issue. I finally figured out what I was doing wrong—I was always asking him to help me change, instead of asking him to help me understanding my feelings. I never felt better than when I started asking God if I could understand my feelings instead of asking him to change them.
This is what I am. There is no question in my mind. I will still live a happy and successful life. I have a lot of love to give someone, and I know that God won’t deny my sharing it. Many people of the world would like to think that homosexuality is a choice. I am here to tell you that it is not. Please don’t exclude me from your life because of your new knowledge about me. I am the same person that I have always been and always will be. But, of course, the choice is yours.
With love,
Erik David Rubright
Until next time...
Not totally “personal” news, but it is our life–Two weeks ago, we negotiated a deal for some tanning beds that were sitting in storage and the owner finally decided to sell them. Today, we went and picked up the nine tanning beds (we were told there were “ten or eleven,” so we’re going to renegotiate) and put them in storage. Now, we’re just looking for a location to start our second salon! This new location will probably be just tanning and massage therapy services, but that is always open to change; and we probably will not open it until this coming December or January.
Until next time...
Okay, another trauma in my life. My puppy Bear has died. I came home from school and he was okay, then when the Husbear came home from the salon, he didn’t come running as he normal does. The Husbear came in and asked if Bear had gotten out, so we went out back and called for him, and he came dragging himself out from around the house. We could tell something was wrong. The Husbear called the vet, and they weren’t sure what it was without seeing him. The Husbear though he had parvo (even though they had been vaccinated already), but wasn’t sure. You could see Bear’s life slipping from him as we watched. I sat with him for a while, crying like a baby (after all, this was my first puppy!), and a terrible rainstorm started up. So I lifted him from where he was lying and placed him in his doghouse, knowing he may not be alive the next time I saw him. After the storm had passed an hour later, I went back to check on him again, and he had died. Needless to say, I was upset for the next day or so. We had our other puppy checked and he showed no signs of parvo, so we’re still not sure if that’s what killed Bear, although the symptoms matched. So, no more pets for me–I just can’t take the emotional trauma of it all.
Until next time...
Well, I should probably be shot for not updating anything in a while, but sometimes some things just have to take a back seat to other things. I’ve finished two weeks of school so far, and am still trying to figure out how to juggle school and the salon (especially since it’s the middle of tanning season as well), and have time to spend with my hubby on top of all that!
What else has happened? We had to get find homes for all but two of the puppies (and Seven, the mother, as well). They had become a “pack” and continually kept digging their way out of the yard and “terrorizing” the neighboorhood. We have kept the two most docile of the litter, naming them “Bear” and “Brownie.”
Until next time...
My last night at the gas station/truck stop is done! Woo-hoo! For those of you who didn’t know, I have been working full-time for the last three months as a 3rd-shift attendant at a 24-hour gas station/truck stop off of I-540. Just had to have an extra income to help make it through the slow season with the salon (and this is a big part of the reason I am going to massage therapy school this year–hopefully I won’t have to do that again!). Needless to say, it was hard on the Husbear and myself. We only got to see each other for about an hour or so a day, and I was always sleeping. But hey, what a great way to lose weight–I lost 25 pounds in the time I was working there. Now to just put some of that weight back on in the right places this time!
Until next time...