This post is more a chain of thoughts written at the Husbear. I post it here because maybe it will help me. I’ve had a difficult time over the last few hours especially, and had to remove myself from the public because I started crying all of a sudden and couldn’t stop.
While I cannot truly imagine what it would be like living without you, it’s something I have been forced to think about with Tory’s death. And while there have been several close calls from accidents you’ve had in the past that made me briefly ponder it, this situation pretty much ripped the door off of the hinges for me. And now it’s all I have been able to think about since that phone call early Sunday morning.
Tory’s death made me realize that I’ve never had anyone this close to me die before. While I’ve had all my grandparents die, I’ve never lost anyone who was—by choice—this close of a friend to me. Friend isn’t an accurate word. Let’s go with “family”. Because that’s what Tory and Dwayne are. They’re our family. Which is part of why this stays the focus of my thoughts. I feel like I’ve lost a brother. And it hurts immensely.
I still feel the shock of you flying out of bed when Dwayne called early Sunday morning. I don’t even remember the words you spoke into the phone as you talked to Dwayne. I just remember thinking this had to be some sort of joke to get us to New Orleans sooner so we could be with them. And then I could see it in your face—that look of disbelief—and how physically sick I felt instantly. Then holding you close to me, selfishly, and then thinking that was something Dwayne would never be able to do again with Tory.
Besides just the mental and physical shock of it, there’s also all the what-ifs I would think about. Especially if it was an untimely and unexpected death like Tory’s. Could something have been done to mitigate it? What if I had done one thing instead of another? What if I had made you go to the doctor instead of not? Yes, I know it’s the “what-if game”, but these are still thoughts I would have. Because you know that’s how my brain is wired.
And then thinking this occurred in a strange town. Not knowing anyone. What if that was the case for me? It would be bad enough if it occurred back home, but in some place where I had no familiarity at all? And no one that I knew? Luckily we were able to get there in an hour or so to be with Dwayne, but what if that hadn’t been the case?
Having to be the bearer of bad news. When we called other friends to let them know. The Facebook post. And how many times have we—and will we—get asked by people who haven’t heard yet: “Hey, where’s Tory and Dwayne?” the very thing that drove me to write this post. Yes, the reply gets a little rote sounding after a bit, but it still has to be said and dealt with each time someone asks. I can’t imagine what it’s like for Dwayne to have to answer the “Where’s Tory?” question.
Then there is all the things I don’t want to have to think about: funeral arrangements; financial and business matters. Yes, we can pre-plan for some of that, and we will revisit that when we get home. But it’s still something that seems awkward to have to focus on in the moment. Especially when there’s already a deep hole in your heart.
All the memories. Just looking at your toothbrush, or a rock, or the pets, or the smell of you on your pillow would all be a reminder of you. And the photographs and digital memories that exist in places like Facebook. I hear with time that gets easier to deal with. But I imagine it’s something that will always tear a hole in my heart.
There are times I can’t stop crying, and times I’m totally angry. I just know I hurt for Dwayne right now.
And myself, as selfish as that sounds.
Until next time...
Wednesday saw a lot of rain. And wind. And more of both.
We stayed in bed for most of the morning and early afternoon, as you can see.
Eventually, the Husbear was itching to go look around a bit. Probably because he was tired of talking to men on all those “social” apps he has on his iPhone.
So we wandered in the rain and wind down to Bourbon Street, and back to Cafe Lafitte in Exile. Where everyone seemed to be. The place was packed! Probably because it was the only bar open. Or maybe because it’s a nice place to visit.
It was announced that the bar would be closing around 7:30pm because a curfew had just been announced for the parish. Well, damn. So we made the most of it like everyone would be expected to do in that kind of situation and beveraged.
At closing, we wandered back to the hotel. Because getting arrested for breaking curfew is probably not a good way to spend a trip.
We had dinner at the hotel. They are serving food for all the guests who are here. Not for free of course. But it beat breaking into those cans of ravioli I had bought the day before.
Then for me it was back to the room to catch up on reading blogs for a bit, while the Husbear ventured to the hotel bar to visit with people.
I think the Husbear doesn’t like being trapped in the hotel. 😉
I spent the day answering a lot of questions over on Facebook about the conditions here in the Quarter. It seems many peoples flights have been pushed out through Saturday at this point, or totally cancelled.
So it may end up being a rather slim Decadence this year. I guess that’s what happens when you host an event during hurricane season in a gulf coast town. I imagine the hit to the economy will be large for most businesses here. Which is why it’s important for people to come here and spend!
Until next time...
Tuesday was another odd day here in New Orleans.
Dwayne is back home, and his parents are there with him. It will be the first time in I don’t know how many years we aren’t together for this event. And the reality of it not happening this year or ever again sort of hit me.
But the Husbear and I are here for the time being at least.
Knowing the hurricane was coming, we wandered to a local grocery store to get some essentials in case the power went out, or we couldn’t get out to eat if things shut down tight.
After that, we wandered around the French Quarter for a bit looking at things being boarded up and sandbagged. I’ll say that they really seem to have it down now on what they do to prepare.
That evening, the hurricane started to roll through the area. We were hunkered down at Cafe Lafitte in Exile for a good bit of it. Or at least I was. And a few other “brave” souls. It was really a neat thing to experience.
The wind and rained calmed down a bit around 4am, so I headed back to the hotel. Yes. 4am. That’s how things work here. And I was having an enjoyable time visiting with the locals.
I took this video along the way back to the hotel. It’s the first video I’ve taken with my replacement phone, so I hope it looks somewhat okay.
Hmm. It looks like I need to remember to turn the phone sideways when I video from now on.
And yes, I was probably a little crazy for being out in it, but oh well. That’s how I be.
Until next time...