Mark this post as one containing potentially T.M.I. about me, depending on how you know me.
So now that I piqued your curiosity, I’ll just say it: I have very little sex drive.
And by “very little”, I mean none. Zero. Zed. Zip. Nada.
Well, that’s not *entirely* true. Every now and then I get a wild hair. Maybe once a year. (Which is really saying something if that wild hair happens to be directed at you!) But that’s about it. Seriously. It’s rarer than a double rainbow. Even eunuchs have more sex drive than I do.
Are you surprised to hear that?
And what little drive I have is actually decreasing as I am getting older.
Physically, I don’t have a problem with any of the… plumbing. Everything functions as it should. Actually, you know that whole “if you have an erection lasting more than four hours” bit you hear on all those commercials? Yep. That well.
It’s the mental part of the libido in which I am lacking.
Even when I was a teenager, I never had any desire to have sex. Hell, I rarely even masturbated. Which for a teenager seems pretty messed up. Especially from a mental perspective. Think about all that I saw going on around me with other teenagers my age. All the sex and everything that led up to it that everyone else seemed to be having. It was everywhere. And I went to a private Christian school!
Add to that the internal conflict that I was fighting at the time with being gay, and things seemed even more messed up for me.
All of this is much to the Husbear’s dismay. He falls on the opposite end of the spectrum. Actually, I think medical labs harvest the extra testosterone he produces. Even at 46, he’s still extremely “active”. Multiple times of day active. (And no, I’m not saying 46 is old.) My lack of libido has probably been the one area in our life together that causes what little friction we have. Or lack of friction, as the case may be….
But it does seem like all the men I know: gay, straight, and “undecided”, have sex as often as they can and seem to do so at the drop of a hat. Seriously. I know that’s an extremely stereotypically statement to say, but I’ve yet to meet a man who doesn’t at least verbally boast as much. (Even though I’m betting there’s quite a few who really don’t. I’ve just yet to hear anyone say as much. Apparently it’s not the macho thing to do.)
The Husbear thinks I need to go get tested. “Hey Doc, can you test me for low sex drive?” Wait, I already know I have that. For a while I thought maybe I needed to go to counseling, but it seems like it’s more a physical “urge” that is lacking rather than a mental one. Even though I think the mental side is part of the combination.
Thoughts? Suggestions? What’s your experience? Or am I really just an odd duck?
Until next time...
Perhaps you need the situation to be a very specific way to flip the switches necessary in your head to get the plumbing revved up. I know that my switch is easily flipped off by the wrong type of stimulus, and that’s all a mental thing with me, perhaps you have something in that neighborhood that affects your drive.
Rule out the physical and go from there.
You and Robert are me and Todd. To a “T”. It’s been a struggle and a journey.
Actually, you should have your testosterone levels checked. Besides lack of drive, low T has been linked to a variety of diseases including prostate cancer. If your levels are normal, its probably more psychological than physical.
What Moby said.
Maybe get checked. Just because sex is a lot of fun!! AND stress relieving!!
I am the same way. I have the urge every now and then but really don’t have the drive. I didnt have sex “sex” for the first time until I was 18 and even now it takes me forever to get things done.
Mine could be linked to the crazy meds I take and my abnormally low testosterone, like 70/80 y/o man low. But when I was one testosterone my sex drive did not increase nor did my libido. It helped more with the crazy. But the side effect of all the methods (oral, patches, buccal, and shots) made me not want to do it any more. And since testosterone is processed in the liver, with my family his history with liver disease i stopped.
Getting your testosterone level checked sounds like a plan. Going on the gel helped me tremendously.
OK here is an earful
as a medical doctor first, a low sex drive can be due to a variety of problems including low testosterone. if low sex drive is really an issue, go get it tested.
On the other hand, people have a variety of levels of sex drive. Although I am one to hope everybody has a happy and active sex life, I know for sure that many people do not have a high sex drive – and this is perfectly okay.
Nowadays with sex being so pervasive, so don’t let others push you into some sort of sexual should statement!
I’m not happy that some of the above commenters are acting like there is something wrong with you and you need to go “get checked”. Whatever you are thinking, don’t think there is anything wrong or defective about you. It sounds to me like you are quite normal.
I know other couples who are matched up like you and your hubby. One has low sex drive while the other can’t get enough. In fact, there’s another blogger who last year said the same thing as you. He is happy to have sex only occasionally, while his hubby needs it several times a day. I’ll see if I can round up that blogger’s post and I’ll email you the link.
I know there are a lot of couples out there who are cross-wired like my Husbear and myself are. I also know that in the last year or so, I’ve noticed an actual, serious decrease on my part of the things that used to make me go “vroom”.
I don’t think that anyone who commented was saying there is something wrong with me. I think they were offering advice on things they have had personal experience with. Which is something I love about the blogging community: if I have a question about something, there’s more than likely someone who’s already walked in those shoes and has helpful information. More information than I would have gotten from my backwoods, redneck, hillbilly doctor at least.
How were you two when you first met? Perhaps y’all need to fall in love again. I am not suggesting you are out of love, but perhaps something special the two of you can do that reminds you of the beginning and why you are together now. I guess what I am trying to relay here is the excitement of it all.
I believe my sex drive is normal, but I can go months and even years without contact with anyone. I just don’t see the point as most people annoy me and the fact I live in the middle of nowhere… and the individuals I come across locally, depress me. I can take care of things myself, but even then I may go several weeks or a month and I think this is because I direct my energy to being creative. Perhaps this is what you do? As a creative person your energy flows into your art.
Communication with Robert is a good place to start. Find that place in understanding and you may find yourself opening up because you love him and have a built a wonderful life together.
I didn’t masturbate until I was 21, I haven’t had sex yet other than oral (and I only enjoy that if I’m the giver), and I think I could probably go my whole life without penetration just fine. I have a much stronger emotional need for a man than a physical need.
I think if you can tell us about it, you can tell your doctor about it. Let him rule out there being anything physically going wrong – just seems prudent and safe.
Also, Erik, I think your comment is dead on – it’s advice, not judgement.
If the doc says you’re healthy, just have a lower drive than the husbear, then so be it.