Sexually comfortable

How does a human learn to be comfortable with their sexuality?

I don’t mean “sexuality” in the sense of identifying as gay/straight/somewhere in between. Although potentially that might be part of it. Especially where some individuals have had a difficult time coming to terms with where they fall in that spectrum thanks to societal pressure.

The sexuality I am referring to is your sexual being. That energy within you that let’s you be a sexual person. Comfortable in sexual environments. Accepting of sexual actions and situations.

I assume for a lot of people it just comes naturally. I think some humans are inherently in touch with and at one with their sexual energy. (No pun intended in either sentence.)

But not everybody.

I am not a sexual person, but I want to be.

As odd as it sounds, I have a fear of sexual situations. I have sexual hang ups that logically make zero sense, at least when it comes to acting upon it.

I think a lot of that is due to the conflict between my childhood on what was brainwashed into me about what is “correct” versus what as an adult I have discovered to be “correct”. Some probably has to do with my poor self-image, i.e., how I see myself compared to what others see. All things I continue to work on, but after nearly 40 years of being on this planet don’t feel like I’m any closer to figuring out and wonder if I ever will.

So my question is, how did you become comfortable with your sexual being?

Until next time...

15 thoughts on “Sexually comfortable

  1. I go through phases. I love the feeling of sex and love the many things you can do. I think it is a thing where you have to experiment and see what might be that one thing that sets you off sexually. As I get older, I am not as sexual, but when it presents itself I am all out. Watching porn works me up, but sometimes, even watching something as silly as “Magic Mike” can get me racing… To each his own, but we all gotta get some, some of the time… I am pushing 43 and I want to make sure I have all the fun I can sexually for something gives out on my body, whether it be a hip, a leg, the need for viagra… i just want to have fun… if the liver does not fail or I die in some horrific accident… Jeff and I will be able to sit in rockers with our cocktails and remember the good ole days… I don’t think I made any sense… must need another drink and some more porn…hmmm

  2. Although I know what turns me on, what I like and what I want, sexually, my body issues often make it difficult for me to engage in and enjoy sexy because I feel unattractive and “undeserving” of a fulfilling sex life since I’m not attractive or in shape enough. But I do have my moments….,

  3. I’m not sure being comfortable about sexuality comes naturally to anyone—gay, straight, bi, trans, or other—in our society. We live in a fairly sex-negative society and I think everyone has a lot of work to go through, though it’s certainly less work for some than others.

    For me, the process of becoming more comfortable with my sexuality has involved thinking, talking, and doing. Thinking (and reading and learning) is making clear in my mind where I’m at, what my history is, what I want and what I think now. Talking (with someone I trust) moves the ideas into the social sphere (which is where shame lives or dies) and gives me real-world feedback that my thoughts are reasonable and that people will still love me even if they know the real me. Finally, doing is putting the ideas into action and seeing how they go.

    You are a sexual being, Erik, even though you may not be as comfortable with it as you’d like. If you want to change, you will. Good luck!

  4. I am never fully comfortable sexually. My first boyfriend had certain expectations of his partner and if I didn’t do exactly as he said, I was a freak and doing things completely wrong. Since he was my first sexual encounter, I was only 18 and I didn’t really have a lot of knowledge under my belt (heh), my self esteem suffered greatly and does a little bit to this day.

    I didn’t really get into the groove until I just admitted to myself what turns me on and how I want to accomplish that. I’ll be the first to admit that I have varying interests when it comes to sexual activities and once I accepted that and found others that thought similarly, things started working much better.

    My body still has very specific thoughts as to what is going to rise to the occasion, but once I communicated how things worked to the relevant parties, I felt a lot better. Not 100%, and there have been some questioning looks along the way, but for the most part I’m a happy guy.

    And surprisingly, I don’t feel inhibited about talking about these things with the appropriate parties, this is once subject where I think talking works better than writing for me.

  5. I agree with Sean. But I also think much of it is based on how we think we are “supposed” to be, thanks to lofty images presented by magazines, TV shows, movies, media, etc. So I’ve never truly been comfortable with sexual situations and shy away from them.

  6. I grew up with a desire for sex but was blocked by huge inhibitions laid on by parents and the Catholic school they sent me to. Tries at heterosexual sex were dull and uninteresting if mechanically successful. It was the night I seduced an old friend — male on male sex for the first time — that everything made sense and I became a sexual person. I built the confidence to go after the men I wanted, give them good sex so they’d want more from me, giving myself good sex in the process. Coming out made me.

  7. Hey Erik, I have to agree with JimA. Being confident in yourself is a big part of it. I think, as I’m sure most of your readers do, that your a good looking guy. I’m not sure where the poor self image comes from, but you should be comfortable being who you are. Remember that you have a great guy who also loves you for you. I wasn’t always comfortable with myself either. I’ve always been self conscious about my appearance, mostly body image. I still struggle to some extent, but my partner is always there for me. I hope you are able to work through whatever the road block is and get to the other side, where you are able to relax and enjoy all the amazing feelings that sex brings.

  8. You hit the problem spot-on. As children we are trained/conned into one way of thinking. And although it is easily to shake it off intellectually as an adult, the inner Tribal rants still put the hex on us. One simple exercise is to recognize when it happens; give the complex a name. When you hear it shaming you
    a) recognize it is doing it again
    b) tell him he’s been heard but you are no longer in charge
    c) envision putting a lemon cream pie in his puss
    and go have a good time channeling you are OK afterall.

  9. I find myself agreeing with DM who said: “I’m not sure being comfortable about sexuality comes naturally to anyone—gay, straight, bi, trans, or other—in our society. We live in a fairly sex-negative society and I think everyone has a lot of work to go through, though it’s certainly less work for some than others.”

    I know that many times I have presented my self as comfortable and confidant when I was not. When I kick back and watch the scene around me unfold, I see most every body acting…putting up a public face that is more confidant than they truly appear to be. And that is not just sexual, but in most all aspects of life. We all live behind our masks so that no one learns who we really are. We are complex people, but we appear to only believe that I am complex and that you will see me black and white on one issue. So we hide.

    Just my .02

  10. honey, the best remedy for your self image issue is to march your butt into a good leather shop, kit yourself out in a pair of tight leather jeans, a pair of kick-ass boots and maybe a new vest. nothing say confidence like a new outfit with new shoes to match.

    you are beautiful.

  11. Never underestimate parents’ ability to fuck-up your self-esteem. I bet you’re oblivious to someone cruising you too aren’t you? I find that a lot with low sexual self-esteem folks. Just open yourself up to the possibility that some people will find you sexually attractive and get into it.

    And, for the record, if I lived anywhere close to Pea Ridge, you and I would be utilizing that storage room you have in your business some lunchtime. Seriously, I would have your pants yanked down to your ankles so fast……

  12. Even though I was always a sexual person (played sexually with cousins as kids) and I knew that I really, really wanted to be in bed with somebody, I’ve gone through long periods of doubt. My first partner wasn’t into my body style. To him, being anything other than lean, lean, lean is a moral failing. It’s doesn’t help when your love calls you, “his little piggie”. Ha ha, ouch.

    I started going to DC to see a friend of mine, DougieBear, who is a cellist. There’s a fab bear subculture in DC, and I had just never been exposed to it. Not much of a bar-goer, I was bowled over when guy after guy after guy found me sexy and attractive; I’d *never* had that kind of experience before. Long story short: I finally figured out that there really *is* someone for everyone.

    As to how you become comfortable within your own skin … I don’t know. For me, it meant really internalizing that someone else actually does find me attractive just exactly like I am. With the ex, it was all about my weight “because he was so visual” – except the year I lost 55 pounds (down to 123!), he still wasn’t any more physical with me than he had been in the previous 10 years. Whatever.

    When I began to sincerely believe that I was sexy, I became so. When I stopped worrying and just started *being* sexual, things changed.

    Ironically, my libido is very low right now, which is unusual. I just don’t have the desire to start things much anymore, although once I get going I’m fine. My partner is much more of a horndog than I am and I have to work to keep up. Which is both fun and tedious. I’ve always been in the horndog position, myself, so this is a good learning experience for me 🙂

    No worries. Be you. The you that you are is a beautiful one.

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